The Blimp Ride
by Silence Dogood23
Summary: A one-shot humour story of a journey on Seto Kaiba's blimp complete with lots of insane mimicking, slapstick and a suicidal koala. Rated K for the violent acts of constantly falling over and possible koala death. No Koalas were harmed in the making. R


Si: Hey Guys, Silence Here, (But you can call me Si for short). This is a one-shot I wrote about a year ago and I did have it posted up at one stage on a previous account (Archamais) So I didn't steal it-

Bakura: Nope! Stealing is my job

Si: That's right... No...wait...Stealing is bad

Bakura: Only if you get caught

Si: Oh...all right then. So I've updated it since then and have posted it in a new format (easier to read I think). It's just a bit of fun-

Seto: This was not fun

Si: Will everyone stop interrupting me!? Forget it! Just say the disclaimer!

Bakura: eyes Seto ...Is the disclaimer 'Three's a crowd?'

Seto: whacks Bakura over the back of the head Si doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh

Si: goes to cry about that

* * *

The Blimp Ride

Kaiba stared intensely over the steering wheel, his face in his usual stern look he stood very straight and still only moving to push a few buttons or turn the wheel slightly. It was quite unusual for someone to own their own personal blimp even for a man of great status, for any normal man a plane would do his justice but not for Seto Kaiba, Oh no! He based all his major purchases on how he saw himself; they all had to be very big and noticed by everyone.

Kaiba didn't like to let on but when he was controlling something this big and powerful it made him feel like a king.

"Yes…" he thought to himself

"All will bow down to the awesome power of my blimp, combined with my elite dueling skills I can never be stopped! Mwahahaha!"

Unfortunately if Kaiba had been paying attention he not only would have noticed that he was laughing out loud to himself again but that a dark shadow had entered behind him and was about to rain on his parade.

"Kaiba!" came the very stern voice from behind, the sound of this unwanted visitor made Kaiba clench his teeth and hunch over the steering wheel.

"What is it Yami?" he grumbled nostrils flaring.

"Kaiba, we're lost! Will you PLEASE stop and ask someone for directions!?"

Kaiba grasped the wheel, "In case you haven't noticed were 30 000 feet in the air it's not like there is a floating McDonald's Drive-Thru or 7/11 that I can pull up to and ask how to get back to Kaiba Corp!"

Yami was starting to get incredibly frustrated "You couldn't have picked a worse time for you to fire your blimp guy! I am supposed to be duelling some weird guy that has a 2 cent haircut and calls himself evil, in some bizarre location like on the moon or in quicksand and we're either playing for my soul, my "friends" or this pointy lump of gold around my neck! And I was planning for this duel to look like I'm losing until the last minute when I pull out two cards that have never been seen or heard of before that just happens to be the solution to me winning the duel! But now my super amazing duelling tactic has gone to waste because you're too stubborn to look at a map!"

This was an incredibly moving speech; one of Yami's best spontaneous, barely making sense fundraising talks ever! It was such a shame that Kaiba wasn't listening, instead he was leaning over the wheel mimicking Yami but he got so caught up in his humorous imitation he got sort of carried away and as Yami was still ranting with his back to him, Kaiba began exaggerating Yami's movements. By the time Yami finally turned around he was faced by a prancing, dancing, swooning, and gay impersonation of himself.

Kaiba embarrassingly stopped and cleared his throat "….Go on." Yami threw him a filthy look before storming off, once Kaiba made sure he was out of ear shot he burst into full impression.

"Oh! Look at me! I'm the Pharaoh! Look at me with my pointy hair, Pointy hair! I build pyramids and do stuff! My friends are the most important thing to me in the world, even more important than learning how to dress myself properly! I live in a fantasy world of sand and palm trees and I kiss camels! Oh yeah! And I love the dark magician even though he is a computer projection! I don't care what society says but being with the dark magician is the best sex I've ever had!"

Kaiba continued this routine with the matching dance movements and occasionally giggles until a shoe came out of no where and hit Kaiba square in the face causing him to see little baby blue-eyes flying around his head.

It took Kaiba a few minutes to get back up on his feet and back to the steering wheel but once his head stopped spinning and he got his bearings back he had exactly enough time to spot the tower straight ahead, swear very loudly and graphically and then swerve the blimp out of the way just in time. (Usually if this were an actually episode that last sentence would have been dragged out over half a series, included tragic flashbacks and a pointless duel but thank god for fan fiction.)

"And how!" Kaiba said nodding in agreement to the author's last comment, and even though it had been a good 30 seconds since Kaiba had swerved the blimp everyone on board seemed to have had a delayed reaction in some freakish coincidence and Bakura just happened to fall out of a broom closet that was conveniently placed 2 metres to the right of Kaiba.

"What the hell was that?! Were did you learn to drive Kaiba? With jeering movements like that your must be fireball in bed!"

It's amazing how a guy who has just been thrown out of a confined space can still think of such a witty comment, Kaiba however didn't appreciate it us much as us readers.

"What the hell are you doing here!?" Kaiba abandoned the steering wheel once more to face Bakura who merely shrugged "I just came along for the ride!" he stood up and several forks fell out of his pockets.

"Ok, I'm stealing cutlery…. Got a problem with that?"

The truth is Kaiba didn't care if his cutlery was stolen he could always by new cutlery; he could afford to buy solid gold soup spoons, he could even buy a giant fork shaped building if he wanted to! Apart from the fact that a fork shaped building would be beyond obsessive and basically a giant sexual innuendo. The point is Kaiba just liked an excuse to be pissed off.

Kaiba was ready to burst into one of the 3rd most famous types of speeches after Yami's "Dueling rants" and Tea's "Friendship bullshit". This of course being the "I'm angry and don't give me some fairytale crap as an excuse because I'm too good for all that shit!" speech but however a small blur of black fuzz had just thrown itself at Kaiba's head.

"Big Brother!" was the muffled high-pitched sequel that escaped from the hairy fur ball; this creature could have easily been mistaken as a Kuriboh or a Scapegoat if not for the obvious fact that Kaiba doesn't have any siblings or parents that are duel monsters despite his secret wishes.

This small animal type creature clung to the mature adolescence's face and continued to emit horrible screeching sounds.

"Big Brother I love you! I love you! I will follow you to the end of the world!"

Kaiba tolerated the fuzz by trying to talk calmly to it.

"Yes…Yes Mokuba…that's great…now could you please get off my face!" However this only then prompted the young boy to begin rolling around on the floor praising Kaiba's good graces.

I guess it was kind of funny to start with but then after a few minutes it began to get creepy as this insane minion began to drag itself across the floor continuing with its insane rant.

"I love you! Seto! You're my master! I will obey! You're the greatest! I love you!" And even though this being of ultimate confusion was probably the most disturbing thing you ever did see in your miserable, uneventful lives Kaiba loved this sick little puppy of a boy and I can safely tell you I have no clue as to why.

Maybe this young lad was the key to Kaiba's happiness, maybe he was the keeper of his soul or maybe Kaiba is such a badly written, no plot character that the creators of Yu-Gi-Oh felt sorry for this heartless fiend they felt it was necessary to torture him more by giving him a pain in the ass brother who looks like a drag queen.

I'm afraid we may never know because even I in my twisted world of cold unforgiving and unforgivable coldness am too afraid to delve into the countless possibilities of this 2D, badly drawn, cartoon character.

While the narrow minded CEO was distracted Bakura took this a great opportunity to sneak out and go and steal more stuff. However it was that exact moment that Bakura realised that this was a blimp not a mansion and there was nothing decent to steal so decided to head to the Kaiba's liquor cabinet and get drunk instead.

Meanwhile Yami was staring out the window watching the world go by not really paying attention, until he saw the Sydney Harbor Bridge go by.

"KAIBA!" Yami stormed all the way to the cockpit, "We're bloody lost!!"

Kaiba merely laughed at this, "Ah! Never fear my spiky-headed rival, I know exactly were I am. Everything is under control."

Unfortunately Kaiba's self esteem was about to get a huge dent in it because out of no where a spontaneous koala thought it would be fun if it threw its self right on the windscreen. Although 3.7 seconds after the koala made an acrobatic landing it immediately regretted this decision and was forced to cling on for dear life as Kaiba screamed like a girl and lost control of the wheel. A very manly moment for Kaiba if you ask me and all the while this was going on Mokuba was practically licking Kaiba's shoes.

Kaiba screamed, Yami screamed, Bakura sang, Mokuba lost what was left of his sanity.

The koala found this very humorous until in the confusion of all this someone hit the windscreen wipers and the koala was pushed off the blimp.

As it fell into black abyss of the night it screeched "Neiiii! Neii! NIIIIIII!!" which translated into English means "I'll get you, you rich, blimp, bastard! And your little brother too!"

How the koala knew so much is still a mystery today, it's like asking Yami how his hair stays like that. Some say it's the key to his powers, others say his father was a pineapple all we know for sure is if someone sat on his head it would fricken hurt.

And what a coincident as the blimp swerved Kaiba was thrown and landed square on top of Yami's head….. Ouch!

This would of course be the time of the story were something that the characters could have used the entire episode would save them. And as if perfectly timed the on board computer took over the blimp and started steering them back towards home.

As the characters all rose to their feet we the audience who live and breathe on pointless humor are greeting with the sight to Yami's hair now completely warped into something that is no longer a gelled look or a sprayed doo, something in between like a gayed look, or a hair goo.

Actually it kinda looked like salt water taffy that someone had half eaten and then spat out, or maybe even what happens after you leave a watermelon out in the sun. I can't quite put my finger on it but what ever it looks like it was gross ok? ….Ok!

So as we continue our jour- Melted Toffee! That's what his hair looks like! Ahem

So Anyway… the characters thought they were safely heading home, but they have never met a fan fiction writer such as myself and if you haven't guessed by now I just love screwing them up!

There was a certain tension in the air, they could all feel it.

"Um! Excuse me!…I can't feel it…I can't feel any tension" Yami piped up.

_  
Well then try harder!_

"But I…" Yami sheepishly tried to argue.

_  
God! Then act like it! You're actors right? Good lord what am I paying you?_

"You're not paying us anything!"

_  
It's just a saying! I hate arguing with cartoon characters. Now can we start from the top please?_

There was a certain tension in the air they could all feel it.

Yami sighed "Hey Kaiba, I can feel tension in the air."

Kaiba nodded "Yes, I too feel a sense of tension….in the air"

_  
Oh that's it, you guys are just terrible at this I am going to make you regret that! _

"Kaiba!" came a booming voice that rang throughout the entire blimp, it was so shrill and unnerving that Bakura even stopped and looked up in the midst of all his drinking.

Kaiba was shocked to his very core as he could hear every footstep getting closer and closer. His eyes widened, his breath shortened, his toes shrunk (ok that's a bit creepy).

All the hairs on the back of his knees stood on end (he's got some hairy knees).

"…..No…..it can't be…" were the only words that escaped from his almost quivering lips and at that exact moment an unspeakable evil entered the room that would change this once innocent blimp ride into never ending torture.

"Kaiba! It's ya mother!" came such a loud voice from such a small woman. (I am very aware that Kaiba was an orphan but just roll with it)

"Oh no! Mom!" Kaiba groaned as he desperately looked for any possible exits but was trapped.

"You thought you could leave your poor old mother behind and go off recklessly driving like in the big screen movies? Tsk, Tsk! Didn't I teach you better?" as she slowly made her way over to her son she spotted the very confused Yami trying to hide behind the control panel.

"Oh Kaiba!" she said sternly eyeing the past pharaoh "What did I tell you about socializing? No Queers!"

Yami was taken back by this comment "Excuse me Ma'am but I am not gay!" She scoffed at this,

"Oh please! I know all about your type! Tight leather pants, big shiny jewelry and don't get me started on the hair! Good Lord Kaiba you couldn't have at least picked a decent looking one instead of a weirdy."

Kaiba was desperately trying to block out the sounds of his mother's complaints

"An eternity in the shadow realm would be better than this. At least then it would be quiet!" Kaiba thought to himself as his mother continued ranting, and what made matters worse a very drunk Bakura appeared and started to flirt with the 80…something year old woman.

"Now tell me love, what is a pretty little blimp like you doing on a chick like this?" Bakura hiccupped, she ignored Bakura and continued ranting.

"See here Kaiba, your associating with albinos! Queers and albinos! I never raised you to be like that!" she shot at Kaiba while trying to push the drunken albino off her.

"You never raised me at ALL!" Kaiba shouted he had completely lost it now.

"Don't yell at your mother!" she roused "If you yell at your mother a hen will lay eggs in your tummy!"

To cut a very pointless story short the on-board computer aboard the blimp got so sick of the unbearably awful dialogue it committed suicide by flying itself directly into Kaiba Corp not only killing everyone on board but the hundreds of blood sucking accountants along with it!

Hooray!

Unfortunately for our….heroes would you call them? Seeing as about half of them believed in the Egyptian afterlife, 2 or 3 were Christian, Yami was a Buddhist, Kaiba an Atheist, Bakura a drunk, Mokuba insane and the rest just idiots. All the gods got together for brunch and after a long winded discussion gave up and decided just to throw them all in the shadow realm (accountants included).

So they were doomed for an eternity of drunken bar songs, rants about queers and albinos and the random adding of numbers that don't exist in this weird parallel universe.

"And another thing Kaiba! Your hair is too long! You look like a bloody hippy!"

Oh great she had moved onto hippies now!

Yami floated his tight wearing pants self over to Kaiba. "I told you we were lost!"

Kaiba's eye twitched "Shut up! Just shut up!" he shouted trying ignore Mokuba who was almost to the point of humping Kaiba's leg just to get his attention and Bakura as he did a weird floating backstroke whilst singing 1 Million bottles of beer on the wall surrounded by hundreds of floating accountants.

Oh yeah this was hell!

* * *

Yeah not one of my best pieces but still funny I reckon. It spawned form this on-going joke with a friend about Kaiba's mother being a bitch... and yes I know it's random and many things don't make sense so no need to bring that to my attention.

Oh and I hope I didn't offend anyone with Kaiba's Mother's slight gay bashing... it's just cause she old and old people are like that...you know. I actually love gay people! hugs gay friends

And yes I am from Australia which is why there are references to the Opera House and suicidal koalas. Hope you enjoyed it! Read and Review or Bakura will come to your house whilst your sleeping and sit on you.


End file.
